Personal and Professional Stories of A Working Human

…Or how I learned to love my rape fantasies.

I could be wrong really but I see pervert as a negative word, saying there is something wrong with someone.  But I don’t think there is anything wrong with people’s sexual desires being “freaky” or “weird”.*  I doubt there are many people out there who don’t have at least one sexual preference that they think someone else might find odd. I personally like having christmas lights wrapped around my arms and legs.

 I also have rape fantasies – let’s point out they are fantasies and not something I want really to happen to me, as rape is not something you can do to a willing person.  That is why rape is never asked for it is something done to someone else without their consent.  A rape fantasy, at least for me, allows me to take control of my situation and actually has helped me heal through my real life rapes in my past.  It’s a hard thing to admit to someone because so many people will tell you that you are sick, or that maybe you did, or do, “want it” but this is a complete misunderstanding that is so damaging to rape victims like myself.  I for a very long time thought the same way.  I thought there was something wrong with me for only being able to get off when I was imaging myself being raped.  This has been true for almost all of my life.  I have been raped in those years and I NEVER enjoyed being actually raped.  

Recently I listened to someone else talking about their own rape fantasies and how it was normal, actually healthy, and helpful for her.  I began to try masturbation with this in mind, realizing that I could have a rape fantasy, but because I was in control, it was ok.  It was ok to have rape fantasies because it wasn’t a real rape, it wasn’t someone taking away your power, it was you taking back your power, or it was you addressing something you needed to address about yourself.  So I practiced being ok with my rape fantasies – which wasn’t easy.  It took me a while but suddenly one night I was masturbating and I orgasmed while I was thinking about someone actually making love to me which I have not done in as long as I can remember.  I didn’t even think about it until after when I realized I literally hadn’t being able to reach a climax without a rape fantasy since I was very young.  It was amazing.  It felt as though, since I had stopped feeling guilty about getting off on rape fantasies, I no longer felt guilty about getting off in general.  Like I had given myself permission to enjoy sex again.  I had for so long, been only getting off with rape fantasies, and after each time I got off I was hating myself thinking I was disgusting, and it had been infecting my mind and equating sexual pleasure with guilt and self hatred.  So this permission that I have now given myself not to feel guilty about my sexual fantasies and desires, has actually healed so much trauma I have connected with rape.  Because, and I know I’m repeating myself here but it’s an important point, a rape fantasy is not a rape.  It does not mean I want to be raped.  It does not give anyone permission to rape me, or to say I want to be raped.  Rape and fantasy are different worlds.  

In the past 6 months, I have done more healing of myself than in my whole life.  I have made new friends, and found myself again.  I am so grateful to all of the things I have been taught and I hope to learn even more and love myself even more.  

I won’t pretend I’m completely cured of all my problems.  I still have depression and I still have a mental illness.  But these tools I have learned have been amazingly helpful, more so than I ever thought was possible.  I have been having sex for years and actually being fine without getting off because I know that I had to have these images in my head that made me feel awful afterwards.  But not that I know I can do this and not feel guilty, or I can even orgasm without those fantasies, I’m becoming quite the selfish orgasm hog.  Which I think is fantastic!  I will keep working on myself and hopefully that will help others.  I think that what I do is helpful to others and I think as I become healthier and happier, so will the people that I work with.  

Originally I was writing about clients, but I guess this turned into a personal blog post so there you go. 

*Children, animals and harming people are not sexual desires they are rape desires.  Just so we are clear on that.  You cannot have sex with a child or an animal.  It is always rape.  They cannot consent.  With animals they cannot tell you what they want.  With children, they are not at the stage in their lives where sex is appropriate or fun, and they cannot consent because they do not know what it means.  That’s my disclaimer.  Having fantasies about raping children, I would rather someone being able to act out these fantasies with a consensual of age partner, than acting out in real life.  

3 comments on “…Or how I learned to love my rape fantasies.

  1. connor1anthony
    April 24, 2013

    Is this a sexual health or mental health blog? It was an uncomfortable read at times, but I like that. Having my opinions challenged is always a positive thing.
    The idea of rape as a fantasy, from a rape victim (or rape survivor, as I heard recently) is certainly about empowerment and taking control of the emotions. Not wanting to be a victim, but to be in charge of the memory. However, the simulacrum of rape in your own mind should not be confused with that in the minds of men who have fantasies of committing rape. One is about empowerment, the other is about overpowering. I know of far too many women who have experienced this, with negative mental health consequences lasting for decades.
    This is a different way of looking at a common area of sexual / mental health. I hope other rape victims experiment with it in attempts to deal it.

    • respectsexwork
      April 26, 2013

      That is a very good point and thanks for saying that. I didn’t really address the side of rape fantasies for the perpetrator who really does want to use it as a way of control. Always be safe, always only practice these things with people you trust.

      I have mixed feelings about rape survivor. I think for other people it’s a powerful word and I encourage people to use it because it puts them in a place of power, but for me I feel like a victim because I had something taken away from me. Although I feel more and more like a survivor every day that I’m more ok with myself. I don’t actually call myself a victim usually, I usually don’t even go as far as to label myself in that sense because I sort of dissociation from the whole issue and using certain words triggers something in my mind I don’t yet have the tools to deal with.

      • connor1anthony
        April 28, 2013

        I’m with you there. Names/labels create an image in people’s minds. They work for some, not for others. If you’re trying to move on, naming it may prove futile.

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