Personal and Professional Stories of A Working Human
I have never felt better about myself than I do right now. Well it’s actually more complex than that. I feel more mentally healthy and happy with myself right now, and somewhat physically ok with my appearance, right now. The thing is, I also feel like I could make more money if “this” or if “that” and it’s hard to feel that way when I really just want to like me. I could make more money, but do I want to do something to my body in order to make more money, or do I want to be happy with my body and then do something if I want to do something to it? I don’t think the best motivation for things like plastic surgery are dissatisfaction with yourself, at least not for me. I think that is something that for a lot of people is internal. Surgery may help you feel better, but you still have that satisfactions until you learn to be ok with yourself.
For some people they may need something to help them along, and that’s no bad thing. Some people, in order to become healthy within themselves, need to be changed first. Some people need to change themselves first and then they can make changes. It’s just different types of people and neither is the “correct” way to do it.
This is one reason I like to be totally honest when I’m selling my time. I want people to know what they are getting, and I want that to be what they want. This is one of the reasons I have become more happy with myself too. It’s amazing that there are people who want every type of woman. I say amazing because if you look at what the media tells us, there are really only a couple of types of women and they are the only beauty standards we see everywhere leading some of us to believe that it’s what “most men” want. This is not only untrue, but when it comes to airbrushing, those women don’t even really exist. I don’t want to be flawless, I just want to be me. But that doesn’t mean I don’t look in the mirror sometimes and think my breasts are too small, or not perky enough or my nose is too big or whatever. It just means that I am happier than I used to be, but the problems still remain because I still live in a world that constantly bombards me with images of what I’m supposed to look like for what men are supposed to want.
Now I say men because all of my clients are men, but of course people of any gender or non-gender or orientation still have ideals put on them. There is even a huge androgyny community that seems to have ideas on what you are supposed to look like. I sometimes just want to apologize to myself for not being feminine enough, or being too feminine or being to masculine. I want my voice to be more sexy, more feminine whatever.
When I look at another woman, I don’t want to be looking at her smile, face, breasts, legs, etc. and comparing my own to them or them to my own. I just want to look at her and appreciate who she is without having to run it by my society standards, but the truth is I do this without thinking. I catch myself and correct it, and hopefully with practice that will some day not happen anymore. But I just notice it and I think how wrong it is that there is jealousy and hatred because of our bodies. That I should feel like my breasts are small, when they are just my breasts and they are fine. If I enhanced them they would still be fine. I just want us all to love our bodies and also learn to love each other without comparison.
I write this mostly for myself. I don’t pretend to know what other people think. I have learned to just not obsess in the mirror. Some days I look in the mirror and I’m like “Damn I look great!” Or some days I look in the mirror and notice every little mark on my skin, every freckle or my eyebrows aren’t perfect or whatever. I just want to someday look in the mirror and glance without obsessing.