Personal and Professional Stories of A Working Human

Trigger Warning: This isn’t a revenge fantasy

I first off think this is a terrible idea, and it will probably never happen.  But I’m not going to pretend like I don’t have these thoughts in my head.

I was raped by someone about 5 years ago.  He worships me.  I don’t really know why.  But he still does and he wants to apologize, it’s a stupid long story I won’t go into.  It was not sex work, I was just a victim in a friends house and he just saw me as easy picking.  It was traumatic.  I have a detailed blog post probably hidden in my drafts if I haven’t posted it.

I am genuinely curious, if I had control over the situation and I had back up and all of that just to make super extra sure, if maybe I could get through this trauma by fucking him.  I know, some of you are like “what the fuck” and yes I know it’s a very extreme thing to do.  But I have nightmares, I have shit that comes up at very inopportune times.  I am just wondering if we had consensual sex, where I was in control, if that would help me work through some issues.  

I probably won’t do this.  This would probably result in some massive backfiring.  Honestly even thinking about it makes me a little sick.  But I am just being honest.  I don’t know if this is something I should do for me.  I will not be taking advice from anyone who doesn’t respect the fact that this is my choice.  Otherwise feel free to tell me what you think.

This isn’t a revenge fantasy. 

6 comments on “Trigger Warning: This isn’t a revenge fantasy

  1. nina
    June 7, 2013

    i once had a similiar thought, but then i came to realize it would mess me up even more if i did it. thing is- if he is capable of happy consensual sex now, it means there could have been happy safe sex instead of a rape back then. so imo, (and i am not telling you what to do), it is not a good idea. i know i personally would have been worse off and more hurt after experiencing and knowing how nice it could have been. but i wasn’t worth it to him and he chose rape instead of consent. it’s also doubly painful to know my attacker has had stable loving relationships, so he is capable of normal consensual sex. but i wasn’t seen as a partner to him i was a intentionally seen as a victim, and knowing he could have been nice but wasn’t is the part that hurts the most. i think consensual sex now would just be more salt in that wound.

  2. becoming imago
    June 7, 2013

    Can you trust this person who raped you? What if you have sex with him, to regain a sense of control, and he starts to do something you don’t want in the middle of it and then when you tell him to stop he ignores you and things go very badly.

    Both of my rapists (stepfather, first boyfriend) adored me and yet they sexually and physically abused me regularly. The only way to regain a sense of control against them was to tell them what’s what and dropkick them out of my life. Interaction with them was only harmful, because although they both claimed to love and worship me, they only wanted to control me in order to fulfill their selfish, twisted needs. Try to be sure that he is not manipulating you by saying he wants to apologize.

    Do you have other ideas for regaining a sense of control that are less risky? Try these first, see if they calm you.

    And also, accept that we really can’t possibly be in control of everything, even ourselves. It’s the illusion of control that we seek.

    • respectsexwork
      June 8, 2013

      Yeah I’ve thought about that. It seems like it would be pretty severely damaging to have it happen again if it turned that way.

  3. Anonish
    June 8, 2013

    I haven’t been in your shoes, but I highly advise against it. I tried to do that after I was raped and it only made the experience more traumatic for me for a number of reasons (including his attempt to change the context of what happened that night so that we were both ‘neutral’) – because at the end of the day, my thoughts instantly went back to what he did to me that night, plus some additional internalized guilt.

    Whether you would experience the same thing is beyond my knowledge, obviously, but I know of others who went back to their rapists (even if not for a relationship, just to sleep with them) and they seem to share very similar sentiments. Take care of yourself – I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through and the aftermath it’s caused.

  4. Omay Farlane
    June 8, 2013

    You shouldn ‘t keep this trauma by yourself. That person must be held accountable no matter how long it happened. Still, it’s painful and
    humilliating to say at least. But don’t know if you took a quick decision to go to the hospital and get a rape kit, that person should be behind bars, not waiting for the right moment to apologize.

  5. Kayla Couture
    June 26, 2013

    Find out if it’s been done, and if it made a difference for her.
    Keep close friends and hound dogs alike right outside the door.
    And do it

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