Personal and Professional Stories of A Working Human
Being in love is super weird. Some days I’m like “hey I would give up my sex work to be with you” then my brain corrects me and says, “you know you’ll never be happy with someone who’s gonna have a whore issue.” I haven’t really been in love for a long time. I don’t think I was in love with my last two boyfriends at any point in our relationships. One of them was amazing in bed, the other was just there. I spent a long time wanting to be with someone but all the people I end up falling in love with are with someone else who they value over me. I am a supremely awkward person if I’m in love too, so I have no idea how to show my love without just being a fucking doofus. I think this is probably what makes me not win out over the other. But then of course, I don’t really want to be with someone who is clearly a cheater. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t give a fuck if people fuck other people, but people who do the “I’m so fucking monogomous” but totally cheater cheater bullshit along, those people are not good for anyone. It’s like they didn’t get the memo not to be a fucking prick.
I don’t want to be in love. I’m not staying here and I know that the person I’m in love with isn’t staying here and I know we aren’t going to get together forever because I am 80% sure that he would never be cool with my supremely awesome hooker past. Do you know how long it took me to get over sexual abuse and physical and mental abuse of my past? It took me years of sex work and therapy to get over that shit. I mean I’ll never be over, over it, but I’m not lying in bed trying to kill myself. Which I was at the age of 17. I have been through a lot and I don’t want any fucker messing up what I’ve achieved in my own mental health gains over the years, by trying to be a fucker about sex work. I am totally prepared for someone who approaches it with a certain level of skepticism, but none of that shaming shit. None of that dirty whore shit. Oh no never afuckingain.
As I said, I don’t want to be in love. At least not now. I don’t want to be in love until I am able to be in love. But obviously that’s never convenient. However I genuinely honestly don’t want to be in love with people that I can’t have anymore. That whole thing can fuck right off. And that’s what I have. I cannot have this person.
Ah. Story of my fucking life. I can only have who I don’t want.
The other side of this, not to sound too “oh poor me”, is that I love fucking clients. And in a way, I love some of my clients, like they are super special to me and I cherish our working relationship. I’ve fallen for clients in the past but that’s never an ok relationship here. How many ways could I get everyone fucked over if I fell in love with a client here? I’m not even going to go into it because I don’t want to think about it. It’s almost terrifying. Fucking US anti sex worker bullshit.
So, love hurts. Small violin. Live goes on. To bad my brain is being stuck right now.